From: Mezzo4@aol.com
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 21:25:10 EDT
Subject: Desideratum II: Found (1/11) R.Anton & L.Blaurosen
TITLE: Desideratum II: Found (1/11)
AUTHORS: Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen
E-MAIL: RaValliano@aol.com and Mezzo4@aol.com
RATING: NC-17
CATEGORY: S, A, R
KEYWORDS: MSR, angstfest
SPOILERS: Let's be safe and say US season 5 and FTF
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere as long as our names and e-mail
addys go with it
DISCLAIMER: We don't own Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Bill
and Maggie Scully, or the concept of Charles Scully. All the
other characters are ours though :)
SUMMARY: How far is too far to go in the name of love?
Desideratum II: Found
by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen
part 1/11
Friday, 5 am
Georgetown Medical Center
Mulder sank down into the stiff hospital chair and tried to
let his eyes close. Just for a minute. He knew he needed
some rest. He was running on absolute empty. He hadn't
slept since two days before they'd found her, and that was
already almost forty-eight hours ago. But even now, he
was too wired, too full of adrenaline to let himself go.
She was still unconscious. The doctors seemed to think
that was okay. She had a large amount of hallucinogens
in her system and she was dangerously underweight but
they said they would take care of all that. That she would
wake up soon enough, as soon as her body had some
time to recover and she had some strength back. She
was going to be okay. That's what they said. Physically at
least. Mentally...that was another issue. One that Mulder
had only allowed himself to speculate on briefly. Such a
trauma, it was hard to know what kind of psychological
damage there would be. It all depended on what kind of
things Jane had said and done to her. And there was no
way of knowing that until she woke up and told him. If she
told him.
He had no idea if she would do that. He wouldn't be
surprised if she never wanted to see him again in fact. After
all, this whole thing was more or less because of him. He'd
brought that psychotic bitch into her life, into both of their
lives. It had been him that she was fixated on. It had been
him she was really trying to get to by taking Scully.
Upon further search of her apartment, several more of his
journals and other personal belongings had been
discovered in addition to her little shrine du Mulder. It
seemed that she had surmised enough about him through
her spying and other intrusions to know that the one
obstacle between her and the object of her desire was
Scully. She knew, probably better then anyone else, how he
felt about Scully. Probably far better then Scully herself
knew. It made Mulder sick enough to vomit. And vomit he
had. For the past several hours he'd been traveling between
Scully's bedside and the toilet.
It was his worst fear realized. For the millionth time.
Someone had used Scully to get to him. Hurt her to
manipulate him. He wondered why. Why was it his lot in
life to have the people he loved endlessly tortured because
of him? This time it wasn't even the Consortium or some
dark unknown force. It had been his fucking cleaning lady,
for Christ's sake. Would they ever be safe? Was the entire
world against them?
He sighed and shifted uncomfortably again. At least he'd
finally gotten in to see her. When the doctors had finished
with her they had told him that only her immediate family
would be allowed to see her until she was moved out of
ICU. He would never be able to forget that smug-assed
look Bill Scully had given him about that one. Charlie had
defended him, protesting vehemently that Mulder WAS
family, but nobody else agreed with that assessment.
So he'd waited until Mrs. Scully and Bill and Charlie had
gone home and then proceeded to create the biggest
hospital scene ever in his long history of hospital scenes.
He managed to convince them that Scully was still in danger
and that he was her personal FBI body guard. After
sufficient yelling and badge waving he'd finally been granted
entry and he'd been by her side ever since.
She shifted in her sleep. It was the first movement he'd
seen from her since she'd lost consciousness. He clutched
her hand tighter in his own. He'd been holding it for the past
9 or 10 hours, hoping that she could feel it, that it might be
some kind of lifeline for her.
He looked over at the monitors she was hooked up to. Her
lines were shifting and flashing in the relative darkness of
the room. She was waking up. Or at least shifting from total
lack of consciousness to a sleeping state.
He touched her face lightly with his free hand.
"Scully? You there?" Her skin was cold and clammy. She
jerked when he touched her. Suddenly the calm peaceful
look on her face shifted. She looked strained and agitated.
"Scully, it's okay. You're okay." He leaned over and
whispered in her ear. "Shhh, it's okay now." Her body
twitched and before he knew what was happening she
started thrashing around violently. She looked like him
during his worst nightmares, hitting blindly at unknown
assailants, pulling at the bed sheets. And her IV. God, her
cast! She was all over the place. And she was going to hurt
herself if he didn't stop her.
He did the only thing he could think of. He climbed into the
tiny bed with her and wrapped his arms around her and tried
like hell to wake her up.
xxxxxx
"You think you can get away from me that easily, you little
bitch?"
Scully opened her eyes to see Jane again, her eyes looking
wilder than ever. Scully's heart pounded with the worry of
what this woman might do to her next. "No," she
whimpered. "No, please, Jane. Please don't."
But where had Mulder gone? She could have sworn he'd
just been there and Charlie? It had been Charlie's voice
she'd heard. And Mulder. Mulder had promised not to
leave..."Mulder, where's Mulder?"
"He isn't here, dammit. He doesn't care about YOU!" Jane
screamed. "Fuck you, Dana Scully. Fuck you, you ugly,"
she jumped on Scully, pinning her down on the bed with her
leg, her knee pressed into Scully's sternum and constricting
her breath. "You no good, ugly piece of-," she grabbed her
around the neck and squeezed, "of...NOTHING!"
"No," she tried to scream and grabbed for Jane, beating her
fists wildly at her and squirming. She couldn't move Jane
off of her, couldn't breathe. "No, don't, dammit! Leave me
alone, please," she screamed. "No, please, please, stop.
Stop it! NO!!"
"SCULLY!" she heard, but it wasn't Jane's voice she'd
heard.
"No! Leave me alone!" she screamed, continuing to pound
her fists.
"Scully, please, open your eyes. Open your eyes and see
me."
Slowly she became aware of Mulder's presence. He was
lying in front of her, holding her still by her arms. She stared
at him, wide-eyed with terror for a few moments. Thank
God, he was here. He was here. Oh, thank God. She
couldn't help but start to cry. And soon began to
hyperventilate. Mulder; she had to tell him about her.
"Mulder, don't let her," she gasped twice. "She's... she's-
don't let her hurt me anymore. Mulder, she's hurting me."
She stopped speaking because she was unable to get her
breath under control.
"Scully, come on, you've got to relax. Come on, *breathe*
with me, breathe." He took a deep breath and held her
close to him, then let it out long. "In. Out. In. Out. No
one's going to hurt you anymore," he whispered in her ear.
"Where is she, Mulder, where is she? You have to-"
"Police took her away. She's not going to hurt you anymore.
She can't. You're at the hospital now." He stroked her hair
rhythmically.
She pulled away and looked at him, trying hard to focus on
him, to make sure he was real. It was dark in the room and
by now she was somewhat aware that she was in a hospital
bed. Why Mulder was in the bed with her, she did not know,
but it was most certainly him. She knew his presence
better than anyone's. And she was glad he was there.
She couldn't quite see him clearly, "I thought," she sobbed,
"I thought you weren't going to find me. I thought you
weren't going to find me."
"God, Scully, I am so," he paused a moment, looking over
her bruised face. "So sorry."
She couldn't help crying. Both from relief and residual
feelings of fright. She buried her face in his chest.
"Go ahead and cry, Scully," she heard him say quietly.
"Just do it."
"Don't go, Mulder. Promise me you won't leave." She
moved her left arm so that she could hold him even closer
and whimpered quietly into his chest.
"Not going anywhere, Scully."
After a few moments she said, "Mulder?"
"Yeah?"
"What time is it?"
She felt him shake against her. "You have no idea how
happy I am to hear you ask me that," He spoke into her
hair.
"So easily pleased you are Mulder." She muttered as he
gently placed her back against the pillows and lay down
beside her.
"Just rest now Scully. I'll be here."
xxxxxx
Saturday
12:35 PM
Mulder walked nervously through the hall towards Scully's
room. She was finally out of ICU and supposedly feeling
somewhat better. It was the first time he was going to see
her awake since she'd first regained consciousness. He
couldn't help but worry about what her emotional state
would be. She was bound to be feeling pretty strange.
She was simultaneously detoxing from weeks worth of
hallucinogens and being filled with pain killers and Valium.
Not to mention the memories. And on top of all of that, he
couldn't help but wonder how she was feeling about him now
that she was completely conscious. Did she remember their
fight? Did she still hate him for it?
Thankfully she was alone when he got to her room. None of
the Scully's were anywhere to be seen. She was sitting up in
her bed staring out the window. Her broken arm was set in a
cast that went all the way up to her shoulder and was held in
place with a sling. She looked thin and pale. When she
turned to him, her eyes were glassy.
"Mul'r, s'at you?"
"Yeah, it's me." He sat down next to the bed and took the
hand of her unbroken arm. "How ya doin?"
She wasn't sure how to answer that. She felt pretty good but
somewhere in the back of her mind she understood that it
was because of the chemicals the doctors kept putting in her
body.
"Mmm...okay." He seemed very blurry to her but she
could tell he was not okay. "How'r you?"
He smiled and chuckled. "I'm fine, Scully. Don't worry
about that."
"Why you laughin? S'not funny." She had a sudden and
strange flash, a memory of something from Jane's,
something she'd seen. "Mul'r, your arm, how's your arm?"
He looked at her strangely for a moment. "Fine...Scully,
it's fine..."
A white blur glided into the room. The nurse. "S'at's
my nurse...Mulder."
"How are you feeling Ms. Scully?"
"I'm a doctor, nurse. Well, no just a doctor. You're my
nurse and I'm the doctor. *A* doctor. And an FBI agent,
too. You know that, nurse? Didjew know that?"
Scully was barely aware of the woman taking her blood
pressure as she continued to babble on. "Mulder's my
partner. He's a good partner. I love him."
"That right?" the nurse said absently.
"Yeah. Hey, Mulder," she turned toward him. "Close your
mouth, Mulder. Hey, Mulder," she said again, "This is my
nurse. She's a good nurse. Brings me Vicadin." She shut
her eyes. "I love her."
"Vicadin's definitely taking effect," the nurse said to Mulder
as she made notes on Scully's chart. "She should sleep
for a while, now."
Mulder watched Scully's features go completely slack as
she drifted into sleep. He eyed the nurse somewhat
suspiciously.
"You seem to be pumping her full of a lot of drugs." That
was the understatement of the universe. She'd just
professed her love to him, causing his heart to do a triple
flip in his chest until he'd realized it was the Vicadin, not
Scully talking. He didn't like it. It made him nervous to see
her so out of control, so outside herself. "Is that normal?"
The nurse rolled her eyes at him. "Yesterday you were
complaining that she was in too much pain, that we weren't
giving her *enough* drugs. I told you then and I'm telling
you now, everything we are doing for her is completely
standard procedure." She patted his hand in an attempt at
sympathy, despite her obvious irritation. "She's going to be
fine, sir. Just fine." She left the room without bothering to
try to convince Mulder to make his exit. It didn't seem
worth the effort.
She started to snore lightly and he smiled. Scully never,
ever snored. She was way out of it. He yawned and rubbed
his eyes with his free hand. He was only just starting to feel
capable of sleep.
He leaned over and rested his head on the bed, next to
Scully's arm and placed a light kiss on her wrist before
closing his eyes. "We'll make this better Scully. I promise."
xxxxxx
10:50 PM
"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Scully screamed
and sat up straight in the bed.
She was shaking and sweaty, just like when he'd found her
at Jane's. He climbed into the bed as best he could and
pulled her to him. She rested her forehead on his chest and
continued to pant.
"I...," she started and felt tears start to fall. "It was, I saw,
oh, Mulder." She quit trying to speak, but let into her sobs
instead.
"Shh, Scully," he whispered, stroking her hair rhythmically.
"Just let her go Scully. Let her go."
She nodded against his chest. "I'm trying," she said almost
audibly between holding back tears. "I'm trying so hard."
She brought her hands to her face to help her hold back
tears. She didn't want to cry over this. It was silly. Stupid.
Why should she cry now? She was safe. Mulder was here
with her and safe as well. What was there to cry about?
She started to relax and enjoy the feel of Mulder's cheek
brushing back and forth over the top of her head. He was
speaking something quietly. What is was he was saying she
was unsure of but it was so soothing nonetheless. She was
safe and everything would soon be normal again.
But it wouldn't ever be the same. No, it wouldn't because
of her face. Her hideous, disfigured face.
Scully's heart began to pound and she sat up straight in the
bed again, ripping herself away from Mulder.
"Scully-"
"Mulder, please go now."
"What-"
"Mulder, please *go*." She turned away from him
completely and swallowed down more tears. She shut her
eyes and prayed he wasn't looking at her. God, he'd seen
her all this time, a repulsive, disgustingly scarred face. His
beautiful face that he'd told her he loved so much.
Mulder felt a panic begin to set in. It was finally happening.
She was remembering what he'd done, the way he'd treated
her that night. She didn't want him anywhere near her.
After a few moments he said, "Scully...Scully, I didn't know...
well, I still don't know, but I want...I *need* to apologize.
For what happened between us. For what I tried - did - to
you."
Oh God, what was he talking about this for? Was she so
horribly disfigured he wasn't even able to address it?
"Mulder, I want you to leave."
She wasn't going to forgive him. And he couldn't even
blame her for it. Who could forgive that? He didn't deserve
her forgiveness. He didn't even deserve to be sitting in the
same room with her and she knew it.
He was silent for a long while and seemed to only be sitting
on the very edge of the bed, not moving. "Scully, will you
please, would you please at least look at me? Look at me
and tell me you don't hate me."
She turned her body toward him and tried to look up. She
had her hands shielding her far on either side of her face, as
though she were blocking out sun. She could not, however,
stand to look at him. Not when she looked like she did.
"Scully. *Please*." He took her right shoulder and nudged
at it to face him. She lowered her head even further.
"Mulder, don't. Don't look at me." God, it was even worse
than he thought. She didn't even want him to see her face.
She was probably afraid he'd start molesting her again if he
looked at her.
"Don't look at you? Why? Why shouldn't I look at you?"
She swallowed hard and a sob escaped despite her.
"Scully, please. Talk to me. What is it? Why don't you
want me to look at you?"
"You KNOW why!" She cried into her hands. "Because of
what I look like. Because of...because of what she did to
me. To my face. Now just go, Mulder." She sobbed more,
quietly.
For a moment he was utterly confused. Then he
remembered what her doctor had said. Jane had been
drugging her. Hallucinogens. It was very possible that
Scully was seeing things that weren't there.
"Scully, there's nothing wrong with your face. *Nothing*."
His tone was compassionate. He was lying to make her feel
better. "It's just a little scarred, that's all. It's gonna heal
and be normal again."
She felt Mulder's hand stroking her cheek and jumped,
tearing it away. She looked at him finally. "Just SAY it,
Mulder! Just tell me! Tell me what the doctor told you.
Tell me how I'm never going to look the same. Why can't
you just say it, Mulder? Don't lie to me, damn you! Please
don't lie to me!"
Mulder's eyes were wide and cloudy. "I would never,
Scully."
It was true, she just knew it. He just couldn't bring himself
to tell her. But she knew better. They were unable to fix it,
to make her look like she had before.
"Scully, the scars are going to heal. They were all-"
"Dammit, Mulder, she threw hydrofluoric acid in my FACE!
All over." A picture of what she might look like popped
into her mind's eye suddenly. She cried harder.
"Scully, she didn't. It was peroxide, Scully. Hydrogen
peroxide. And your scars are gonna heal all the better
because she did do that."
"Dammit, Mulder, I think I know the difference between
those two substances. Now quit denying it, Mulder. Just
stop it."
He sighed once and encouraged her to lie down again. She
conceded and immediately turned away from him,
returning her hand next to her ear, pulling her hair toward
her cheek as a shield. He said he would be right back, but
she didn't care. When the door shut, she felt more tears
come.
She had nearly fallen asleep when she heard a noise. She
looked up and saw a dark figure approach her. She jumped
and sat up defensively.
"Here, take a look, Scully."
Mulder was holding a mirror to her face. Her breath
quickened and panic set in. She couldn't look. She
wouldn't.
"No."
"Scully, just look, and you'll see. See that you don't look
any different except for a few bruises." He was sure once
she looked it would be better. He needed to bring her back
to reality. Back to him. Even if she hated him. At least she
would be Scully.
"I said NO Mulder!" she screamed and began to thrash
about. She grabbed the mirror from him and threw it clear
across the room, sending it into the wall to shatter over the
floor. Shatter into thousands of irreparable pieces. Ruined.
She cried uncontrollably now. Mulder tried desperately to
console her, but she only yelled at him to stop, to leave her
alone and continued to thrash at him.
"What the hell is going on in here?" The nurse yelled when
she entered the room.
Before Scully was even aware, a doctor and two nurses
were in the room, holding her down, one of them sticking a
needle in her arm.
And Mulder was leaving. She reached toward him to make
him stay.
"Mul...Mul.."she tried to call to him, but he was gone before
he could hear her.
end part 1
Desideratum II: Found
by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen
part 2/11
Sunday
8:00 a.m.
"Dana? Dana honey it's me? Can you see me? Are you
awake?"
"Mmm...wha?" She pried open her heavy lids. She felt
empty. Like she had no life left in her body and her head
felt as though it was filled with cement.
"Mulder?" He was gone. Where?
"No, it's mom. Honey, how are you feeling?"
"Mmm...drunk, dizzy," she sighed.
Her mother took a seat beside her on the bed. She held
Scully's hand, at least it seemed that she'd done that.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Why do they...why do they keep putting depressants into
me?"
"Uh, Dana, sweetheart, Dr. Lacuesta is here. He wants to
talk with you."
Talk? What the hell for? All she wanted was to sleep
again. And she wanted Mulder back in the room with her.
Where had he gone anyway? He promised he'd stay. He'd
promised.
"Mom, I don't want Dr. Lacuesta here, I want Mulder back
here. Why did he..." She stopped when weakness began to
overtake her.
"Ms. Scully, how are you?"
She wished people would stop asking her that same
goddam question every other fucking second. She felt like
shit, looked like shit. Oh, God, I look like shit...
"Dana, honey, we wanted you to show you; show you that
there isn't anything wrong with your face. That that...
woman...she didn't ruin your face."
"I don' wanna look, mom. Don' wanna."
She heard the doctor ask her several yes or no questions
about how she was feeling and if she wanted to talk about
anything. That was a definite no. She wasn't telling
anybody.
"Okay, Dana, I'm going to put a mirror in your hand. You
can keep your eyes shut for as long as you want. I just want
you to hold it."
Scully could now feel her body because it was shaking from
the inside out. No! We are bigger than this. Stronger. It's
just a mirror. A mirror. All you have to do is hold it in your
hand.
She felt her mother take her left hand and place the handle
of a mirror in it. "Okay, Dana? You've got it in your hand
now. You have control."
Mom was right. She had control in the situation. She had a
choice to look or not. She could look. She would.
She opened her eyes slowly and peered cautiously into the
glass. Normal. She looked like herself. No burns, no
abrasions. Just a few cuts, like Mulder had told her.
Mulder had told her that and still she lashed out at him.
Like a lunatic. Like Jane
"Mom. I...I don't..."
Tears fell down her cheek and she felt her mother embrace
her. "Dana," she said into her ear. "You need to tell
someone."
xxxxxx
10 am
Mulder woke in a daze to see two large figures hovering
over him. His eyes eventually focused and he remembered
where he was. He realized he must have fallen asleep here
at some point last night, in the little chair outside Scully's
room. The nurse had thrown him out after the mirror
smashing incident and he'd been sitting out there all night.
The figures standing before him were Charlie and Bill
Scully. Charlie was tapping him on the shoulder to wake
him and Bill was glaring at him with barely concealed
disgust. For the first time in a long time, Mulder thought
about what he must look like. He hadn't shaved in about a
week and he'd been wearing the same clothes for days. He
could barely remember what a shower felt like. He realized
he probably looked and smelled more like a bum than an
FBI agent. And that that's exactly how Bill Scully was
looking at him, as if he were a bum living in a garbage
dumpster. But with less pity and more hatred.
"Mulder, we're gonna go in and see Dana for a bit. Do you
wanna join us?" That was, of course, Charlie. Mulder heard
Bill grumble something under his breath about last night and
he realized the doctor must have told them about what had
happened. He shook his head sadly.
"I can't."
Charlie crossed his arms over his chest and scowled.
"What do you mean you can't? Come on man, get up." He
gestured his head towards Scully's door.
"I mean that I can't. I'll just upset her again. The doctor
threw me out." He wished they would both go away and
leave him alone because he was starting to get choked up
thinking about it all again. The last thing he needed was for
Bill Scully to see him fall apart.
But Charlie wouldn't give up. He grabbed Mulder's elbow
and tugged on it. "Give me a break, Mulder. Come on..."
"No! Don't you understand? She doesn't want to see me.
She doesn't want me to see her. I can't."
Bill rolled his eyes at Charlie. "He's right. Let's just go." He
gave Mulder a final glare and stalked into Scully's room.
Charlie started to follow him and then looked back at
Mulder.
"Don't let him win."
"I ca..."
"Just don't. No matter what."
xxxxxx
"Mulder?" she called and forced her eyes open. Through a
haze she saw a man's body standing over her.
"Hey, Dana. S'me, Bill. You look awful," he said, laughing
at her.
"Where's Mulder?" she insisted, trying to make the area
around Bill come into focus. "Mulder...Mulder's supposed
to be there-here. Where did you put him?"
"He's not here right now, Dana. But I am. So's Charlie."
She peered at his smile. It was the smuggest look she'd
ever seen. He's done something with Mulder. He'd better
bring him back here. Mulder was the only one who would
help her, save her.
"Fuck-off, Bill," she yelled. "Get Mulder now, goddammit!
Where did you put him, Bill? WHERE? YOU NEED TO
GET HIM HERE!"
She turned her head to the side to see a dark-haired tall
blur. Mom? Mulder, maybe? No, Charlie. Charlie. I love
Charlie. He'll find Mulder. "Where is he, Charlie?" she
asked, her voice desperate. "You've got to get him here for
me, Charlie. Now! Now, dammit."
"Okay, Dana, okay, I'll get him for you. Just relax. He's
just outside."
She grabbed his hand and pulled. "He's supposed to be
here. He said he'd stay here."
She saw Charlie move to the door and shout something
frantically. It sounded like "Get your fucking ass in here
now dammit!" but Charlie wouldn't talk to Mulder that way.
Would he?
"Scully?"
Thank God, he's still here. Thank God. "Mulder? Oh
Mulder." She saw him move toward her in slow motion in a
blur not unlike the forms her brothers had taken on. But
she knew it was him. Thank God. When he took her hand,
she pulled him down to her and grabbed him around the
neck. "You weren't supposed to go away, Mulder. You
said you'd stay. I need you to stay."
"Okay, okay, I'm here. Can I grab the chair?"
She nodded so he sat down beside her. He was glad that
she'd been calling for him but also afraid. Had she
forgotten last night? She was so inconsistent. It just
wasn't like her.
"Mulder...I saw...I looked. They made me look. I'm sorry
Mulder..." She drifted off and he saw tears starting to trail
down her face. She did remember. That was a good sign.
"Who made you look Scully?"
"The doctor. My mom. They showed me my face. I'm so
sorry." He took her hand again and wiped her cheek with
his free hand.
"Shh...it's okay."
"It's not...I was so awful to you. Mulder, it's not!" She
jerked up to a sitting position and her expression was
frantic again.
"Hey, no, shh..." He wrapped his arms around her and
pulled her close to him. She was sobbing against his
shoulder and he started rocking her, trying to calm her.
He knew she had to be as terrified by her loss of control
as he had been.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Charlie nudge Bill and
nod towards the door. He hoped Bill would listen but knew
in his heart that he wouldn't. After what had happened it
didn't seem like Bill would want him alone with his sister
ever again.
"I...I don't know why...I didn't...God, I'm so sorry.." She
was panting and choking on her tears as she tried to get
out the words. He pulled back a little and took her face in
his hands, forcing her to look into his eyes.
"It's okay, Scully. It's okay." She took a deep breath and
seemed to calm down a little. He kissed her forehead
gently for a long moment. Then he remembered Bill and
Charlie were still in the room and pulled back self-
consciously.
"Hey, you were drugged," he joked and she smiled. She
actually smiled. And his heart lifted and soared and he
forgot about everyone and everything else. He made her
smile. It was the first time since he'd found her that he'd
seen that beautiful expression. And then, even more
stupendously, she laughed. It was a short laugh, more of a
snort than anything else, but it was the most amazing sound
he'd ever heard. She was so gorgeous, so perfect. He
realized with a pang in his heart that he needed to tell her.
That she needed to know exactly how perfect she was.
"Scully, I hope that you know that it wouldn't matter to
me. I mean if she'd done what you thought she had to
your face, it wouldn't matter to me. I hope that you'd still
want me to look at you." He heard a heavy sigh behind
him and turned around. Bill was still there, scowling at
him, but Charlie had left. He realized his hands had drifted
down to Scully's neck and shoulders and he almost pulled
them away. But it seemed to be comforting her, and that
was more important than Bill's judgments.
He turned back to her and saw that she was still smiling.
She nodded. "I know. I mean...I should have known...I
know that you would still be here and that you'd be my
friend..."
"No, Scully..." She still didn't understand. He leaned in as
close as he could to her face without actually kissing her
and whispered, "That's not what I mean. I mean that's all
true but what I mean is that no matter what happens
Scully, to me...you'll always be the most beautiful woman. In
the world."
She swallowed and her eyes watered up again. But she
was still smiling that perfect smile.
"Th...thank you." she choked out. She looked happy.
Finally, finally he'd done the right thing. They were both
silent for a few minutes, just staring at each other and
grinning.
"Mulder..."
"Yeah?"
"You're smelly."
He laughed and nodded. "Pretty observant Agent Scully."
"Go home Mulder, go home and take a bath or something.
Stinkin up the place..." She leaned back against the
pillows again and waved her hand in front of her nose for
emphasis.
"Scully, I don't wanna leave you..."
"Mulder go, I'll be fine. So sleepy...please go, just take
care of yourself for a little bit. Please."
Her eyes drifted shut and she seemed to be falling back
asleep. She muttered, "Please" again and he nodded.
"Okay Scully. But I'll be back real soon." He took her
hand and lifted it to his mouth. He placed a lingering kiss
on her palm under Bill Scully's irritated gaze and left.
xxxxxx
5:45 PM
Charlie took his mother into his sister's room. He watched
her face as she viewed Scully's, all bruised and scarred.
Her look went from sad, to concerned, then almost angered
in a matter of moments. She moved to stand on Scully's
right and he took a seat in what had become Mulder's chair.
After a few minutes, Scully stirred and woke slowly. She
saw Charlie first, trying to make him come into focus. He
watched her eyes brighten as much as the swelling on her
face would allow. He returned it with a smile.
"Hey, jailbird," she said with a groggy voice, "You go
AWOL?"
He took her hand and chuckled a little. "No, believe it or
not, I'm on leave. Really. How do you feel?"
"Sore. Tired. Where-do you know if Mulder is here?"
Charlie reminded her that Mulder had followed her orders
and left for home.
"Aren't you hungry, sweetheart? You've hardly touched your
dinner."
"Hey, mom," Scully turned and greeted her mother. "No, I'm
fine. Not really hungry."
Maggie smiled at her and ran a hand through Scully's hair.
She shook her head.
"What...what kind of person..."
"An extremely sick one. One who had many serious
emotional problems."
"So that gives her the right to do this to you?"
Scully sighed. "No, no it doesn't," she said. "But that's why
she'll get the help she needs now."
"Help?" Maggie crossed her arms and turned away. "She
ought to be locked up for life. People like that don't
deserve to get *help*."
"Mom," Charlie stopped her from going on a tirade. "Do
we need to bother Dana with all of this right now?"
Their mother took a deep breath and spoke quickly and
nervously. "It's just that I...I can't help but wonder a lot of
times that if you'd never...," she trailed off.
"Mom? If I'd never what?"
"Nevermind, Charlie's right. Let's not talk about it now.
You need to get better first."
"No, mom, just say it. What difference does it make
when?"
Her mother sighed again and Scully felt Charlie squeeze her
hand at that moment, transferring his support.
"Dana, I can appreciate that you place great deal of
importance on your job. I know you feel that it is the most
significant part of your life. But sweetheart, that's it
exactly, you may not *have* a life anymore if you stay
doing what you're doing. If you stay with..."
"Mom, what is it exactly that you are suggesting?" She felt
Charlie's other hand on her forearm now. "Are saying I
should quit working with Mulder?"
"Mom, let's not, let's not right now," Charlie begged. He
knew perfectly well what his mother was thinking. It
seemed that anytime he ever talked to her anymore, the
conversation led back to whether or not Dana should be
doing the work she does. And especially the role that
Mulder played in all of it.
"I just refuse to outlive another one of my children," she
said in a shaky voice.
"Well, if you're waiting for me to agree with you, don't. It's
just not...It won't happen, mom.
Scully turned to look at Charlie. With a look, he offered her
strength and compassion and for a split second she realized
how much like Mulder he was. Scully felt Charlie squeeze
her arm and hand again, this time gently holding it. He
could feel her shaking. He stared his mother down a
moment, willing her in his mind to not continue with this
"Well, I can't get anywhere when the two of you gang up
against me like this. I never could." She sighed yet again
and added, "What is most important now is your recovery."
"I agree," Scully said. "Really, you guys, I'm not that bad,
just a little weak, that's all."
"That's all?" Charlie questioned.
"Yes."
Charlie looked at his mother and she gave him a knowing
nod. She was pushing it away, just like she'd done all her
life with situations like this, situations where she felt
powerless. She'd play it off like they didn't matter.
Almost reading Charlie's thoughts, Scully offered a
plausible explanation. "When you first are taken off iv it
takes a while to get used to eating solids. The pain
medication can really suppress the appetite as well as
interfering with normal sleep patterns."
Charlie nodded slowly and their mother squeezed her hand.
"I'm fine. I'll be fine. Everything's under control. Thank you
for your concern."
"Well," Maggie Scully said, "Let's let you rest a while."
"I'll be with you in second, mom," Charlie told her as she
left the room. He turned back to Scully and smiled.
"Thank you, Charlie. For everything. For what you did for
me...for Mulder. Just, thanks."
He bent down and kissed her head. "S'why I'm here."
"What do you think?"
He smiled. "A really great guy, Dana. Really great. He
cares for you deeply. Deeply."
Scully felt a warmth pass through her and then an extreme
longing. She could barely wait for his return. In fact she
felt herself becoming more and more ill at ease with him
gone so long. She sent her love to Charlie's family as he
left the room.
She turned on the television and proceeded to blindly flip
through all 79 channels, over and over. 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 12, 13,
16, 17, 18, 21...Soon she knew nothing else but the
numbers flashing by at the corner of the television.
Anything to clear her head so she wouldn't think. So she
couldn't remember.
xxxxxx
6:25 PM
Mulder half walked, half jogged down the hall towards
Scully's room. He was in much better spirits than he'd
been in a long time. He'd done as she'd requested of him
and gone home for a few agonizing hours. Long enough to
shower, shave, brush his teeth, change from his filthy T-shirt
and jeans into a much more respectable pair of jeans and a
white dress shirt, and put on a bit of the cologne that
seemed to make Scully smile when she sniffed it in the air.
He wanted to make her smile again. He wanted to look and
smell and just BE perfect for her. He wanted to make the
night special. Something to make her forget that she was
lying in a hospital bed, to help her let go of the reason she
was there, and, he supposed, he wanted to make up for the
way he'd treated her before this whole thing had started. He
wanted to give her the night he should have given her in the
first place and to apologize for what she'd gotten instead.
Something fun. And normal. God, how they both needed
something normal again.
She seemed to be feeling better. True, she was still a little
out of it from the drugs but she'd been more coherent and
like herself this morning than he'd seen her in a long time.
She'd smiled. She'd laughed. She'd had a somewhat
normal conversation with him. He took these all as good
signs and indication that it was time to start her recovery.
The first step was to make her feel safe and happy and
comfortable. He knew she hated hospital food, fluorescent
lights, the antiseptic smell, all the things that reminded her
that she wasn't in her home but in a cold, sterile institution.
He wanted to make that better for her, if only for a little
while. Scented candles, a CD player with some of her
favorite classical music, and her absolute favorite meal and
chicken lo mein from their regular Chinese restaurant might
do the trick. He just hoped she wouldn't see his
accouterments as another lame attempt at seduction.
He just wanted her to have a decent meal for a change.
She was so skinny. And so was he for that matter.
Neither of them had enjoyed a good dinner for a long long
time. The smell from the bag was making his mouth water
by the time he reached her door.
He knocked lightly on the door and was happy and
surprised to hear her call out "come in" in a clear, cheerful
voice. He opened the door to find her sitting up in her bed
watching CNN, her eyes fully focused and a smile on her
face.
"Hey, look at you."
He chuckled self consciously. "Look at me? Look at you.
You seem to be feeling a lot better."
"Just less drugged out." She looked down at her feet and
he could sense that she was a bit embarrassed about the
way she'd been acting. He took that as another good sign,
an indication that she was coming back to him.
"What's in the bag Mulder?"
He grinned in a self-satisfied way and started pulling out
his surprises. First he placed the CD player on the shelf by
the window and turned on some low music. Then he took
out the candles and put them on the shelves.
"Mulder what is all this? You can't have candles in a
hosp..."
"Shh...I won't tell if you don't." She smiled. He lit the
candles and turned off the bright overhead light. He
stopped and looked at her for a second, overcome at how
beautiful she looked in candlelight. He turned away and
flipped off the television set, hoping to distract himself
momentarily.
"I've got a little surprise for you Scully." He was practically
bursting out of his skin with excitement.
"Oh really? What kind of..." Her expression changed
suddenly as he moved closer to her and sat on the side of
the bed. She looked tense and he worried for a moment
that she thought he was coming on to her again.
"Mulder, what's that smell?"
"I did just shower Scully. It can't be that bad yet.."
"No, it....it smells...I..."
With flourish and ceremony he removed the white carton
from the bag. "Ta dah! Is this the smell to which you were
referring?" He expected a smile big enough to match his
own but her only response was a mute nod.
"It's lo mien noodles Scully! From that place down the
street from me." He opened the carton and pushed it
towards her to show her the contents. "See!"
She nodded again and smiled weakly. He could have sworn
she pulled back a little bit and that there was a trace of
panic on her face. But that didn't make any sense. Why
would Chinese food make her panic? Certainly she'd be
happy to eat something real, something familiar for a
change. He figured he must have been imagining it. The
way the candles were flickering, it could have distorted his
vision a little.
He pulled the set of chopsticks from the bag and sunk them
into the noodles. She'd finally managed to teach him how to
use the damn things a few months ago and he wanted to
show off a little bit.
"They're for us Scully. I thought we could share them. For
dinner. Ya know?" For some reason he felt like he was
speaking a foreign language to her. Her eyes were wide
and she wasn't responding at all. He thought of his earlier
mistake with the mirror and wondered briefly if he was
doing something equally idiotic. But that wasn't possible
was it?
"Did you have dinner already Scully?" She shook her head
quickly. He wondered if maybe she was afraid to eat. If
she thought it would make her sick after being starved for
so long. But even a few bites would be enough to get her
started on a normal diet.
"Well dig in then." He wrapped some noodles around the
chopsticks, just the way she'd taught him, and even
managed to get a piece of meat in there.
"I didn't eat any of the chicken either so I don't wanna hear
any complaints." He held the chopsticks up and moved the
food towards her face. He didn't know if she'd resent being
fed by him but she didn't seem to be making any move to do
it herself. Maybe her arm was causing her some difficulties.
"Want some Scully?"
"I...I don't...not really hungry..." She shook her head and
backed impossibly further into the pillows.
He shrugged and stuffed the food into his mouth. God, it
really was good. She needed to taste this. As soon as
she tasted it, it would be okay. She'd want to stuff her
face. He certainly did.
"Mmmm, this is great Scully. You don't know what you're
missing." He dunked the chopsticks back into the carton
and got some more for her. "Come on Scully. Give it a try.
Just a little."
"I...I can't...I..."
"Sure you can Scully. It'll be fine. It's not gonna hurt you
to have a little." He moved the carton and the chopsticks
closer to her face. "Come on Scully, open the hatch and
let the plane in." He started making airplane noises which,
he realized, were completely moronic.
She opened her mouth a fraction and he took the
opportunity to excitedly stuff a piece of chicken and a bunch
of noodles inside. He'd taken it as an invitation. But once
again, he realized almost immediately, he'd misread her
completely.
end part 2
Desideratum II: Found
by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen
part 3/11
As soon as the food was inside her mouth her lips twisted
into a grimace of disgust. She made a muffled gagging
sound and instead of swallowing, spit the food onto the
bed sheets.
"Scully...what..." Without realizing it he moved the carton
even closer to her. She whimpered and tears started
streaming down her face. "Scully, God, what is it?" He
moved still closer and reached to stroke her face with his
free hand. She bit her lip and he heard her gasping. "Why
are you crying Scully?" He whispered frantically. "What's
happening?"
"Get it away from me!" she cried out and, with her good
arm, struck the carton from his hand, sending its contents
into Mulder's face, onto his jeans, the floor, the bed,
virtually everywhere.
Mulder sat speechless and unmoving, mouth hanging
agape, for a long time. He told himself, begged himself not
to cry. Not now. Not in front of her. She needed him to be
strong. Strong dammit. But he felt sobs of confusion and
helplessness barely restrained in his throat. What in
God's name was happening to her? And how had he
managed to screw things up so royally yet again? She'd
been fine before he came in here. Completely and utterly
fine. His attempt to cheer her up had been pointless and
obviously utterly counter-productive. Somehow, he'd
managed to throw her back into despair.
"Mulder...I...God, I don't know why..." Her voice broke and
she buried her face in her hands. She seemed as
confused by her actions as he was. She let out a
miserable moan and he reached out to hold her. Then he
remembered he was covered in gunk and stopped himself.
"What in the world..." They both turned to see an irate
nurse standing in the doorway. She flicked on the light
and surveyed the scene, fixing Mulder with a nasty glare.
She blew out the candles angrily. "Sir, you're going to
have to leave now so that I can clean up this mess. And
please, don't bring candles in here again."
Scully looked up and shook her head. "He doesn't...he
didn't..." Mulder shrugged and offered a the best attempt
at a smile he could muster.
"It's okay. I...I should go. Um, maybe we try pizza next
time." He tried not to wince when he saw the nurse stick
another needle in Scully's arm, then he turned and left.
xxxxxx
Charlie rolled his eyes in frustration at his daughter. They
were having an old argument concerning where Pele would
stay when he and Rena went on vacation. His vote was with
grandma, hers was alone in the house. It was a tiresome
exercise and not something he felt like dealing with at the
moment.
"Honey look, we're here to visit aunt Dana okay, let's just
drop this for the time being and give her some peace." He
was distracted from the issue by an unusual sight as they
approached his sister's room. A man was walking down the
hall towards them, covered in brown noodles. For a second
Charlie was afraid it was a patient who'd wandered out of
the psyche ward. As he got closer though, he realized it was
Mulder.
"Mulder? Is that you? What the hell happened to you
man?"
Mulder wiped a noodle out of his eye and Charlie snorted.
What a ridiculous picture he made. But it only took a
moment to see that Mulder was not amused. In fact it looked
like he was about to cry.
"I don't think your sister likes Chinese food much."
Pele giggled and Charlie shushed her. It wasn't funny
anymore.
"Dana did that?"
"I don't know what to do anymore, Charlie. Everything is
wrong..." He broke off and angrily shook his head. "I've gotta
get out of here. Just being here is hurting her."
Charlie groaned inwardly. He knew Mulder's presence was
the only thing keeping Dana even remotely relaxed and
comfortable. "Mulder no. Don't leave. She needs you here."
"Needs me? Are you fucking serious?" He demanded
furiously. Then he glanced at Pele as if it were the first time
he'd noticed her and cleared his throat. "Excuse me." Pele
just shrugged and grinned.
"Yes I am serious. She doesn't feel safe unless you're
around."
"Charlie, I don't have any idea what she feels. All I know is
every time I go anywhere near her, she ends up feeling a
thousand times worse." He sounded like a whiny little boy
to Charlie and for a minute he was irritated. But he looked
so pathetic, it was hard to stay angry.
"Look Mulder, just go clean up or something. I wanna talk
to you about all this but I can't even look you in the eye
cause it's covered in noodles."
Mulder shrugged helplessly and muttered "whatever" as he
slunked off to the bathroom.
xxxxxx
7:45 p.m.
When he returned, Mulder found that Charlie was gone
and his daughter was sitting alone on the couch outside
Scully's room. He felt a little less idiotic now that he'd
cleaned up a bit but he still felt on the verge of some kind of
outburst. Crying or shouting or kicking a hole in the wall.
Maybe all three. The last thing he needed was for a
thirteen year old kid to get caught in that.
He smiled and started to walk past her but she called out to
him.
"Mister Mulder, my dad went to look for my mom. He said to
tell you to wait here for him so you guys could talk."
"Oh..." He looked around for another place to sit. There
really wasn't anywhere except the small couch Pele was
sitting on. He sat down on the opposite corner.
Mulder glanced across the couch at the girl next to him. He
was uncertain as to what exactly to say to her. He'd never
been particularly comfortable with adolescent girls. They
were the only type of children he was terrible at dealing
with. He wasn't sure if it was because they reminded him of
Samantha or because they reminded him of his lame
attempts at finding a girlfriend when he was that age. Either
way, he was often at a loss with them.
And this girl was not your typical adolescent. This girl
bore little if any resemblance to the child Charlie had
presented in that picture taken just last year. She had the
black curly hair and the delicate features but this girl looked
more woman than child. She wasn't even wearing any
make-up as far as Mulder could tell but she still managed to
look about eighteen years old.
The way she was dressed certainly didn't help. Mulder
wouldn't have gone so far as to call her appearance slutty
but she sure was uninhibited with her body. She had a
grace and total lack of awkwardness completely inconsistent
with her age. He remembered Charlie's words about his
daughter and wondered if Scully had been so blessed.
He glanced over at her to find her staring openly back at
him. He grinned and waved at her stupidly. "How ya doing?"
Her face lit up and she scooted a little closer to him. "I'm
fine. How are you...Agent Mulder?"
"Just Mulder's fine." Her smile grew even wider. He could
swear that she batted her eyelashes at him but he
told himself he was imagining things. She was just a kid
for crap's sake.
"So, you work for the FBI with aunt Dana right?"
"Yeah that's right."
"Must be really...exciting." Her voice lowered a bit in tone
and he felt a strange inexplicable reaction. She sounded a
lot like Scully. A lot.
"Um...sometimes. I guess you could call it exciting."
"Dangerous, huh?" She licked her lips and crossed her leg
in his direction. Her skirt was damned short. And he
realized that he was not imagining things at all.
"Uh...sometimes."
"I think it would be really thrilling, especially the kind of
work you guys do. I find parapsychology absolutely
fascinating." He couldn't help the way his jaw dropped.
This girl could not be thirteen. There was no way in hell.
"Oh really?"
She nodded and moved an inch or two closer. "Yeah, I
think the work you do is just amazing." He was really
starting to wish she had a different voice. If he closed his
eyes he could almost imagine it was Scully sitting here
talking to him. As if Scully would ever flirt with anyone so
shamelessly. He told himself that she wouldn't but Charlie's
stupid story kept coming back to haunt him.
She leaned in a little closer and he felt her tiny fingers curl
around his bicep.
"You must work out a lot. Is that cause of the job or just
for fun?" He pulled his arm away gently and scooted a little
further down the couch.
"It's uh...I don't...." He cursed himself mentally. He was
actually blushing. And stuttering.
"Mulder?"
"Yeah?" He was almost afraid. How had he let a child
reduce him to an embarrassed, speechless dufus in the
span of five minutes? He supposed it wasn't helping that
she'd met him at such a vulnerable moment. He felt like a
jack-ass to begin with.
"Can I see your gun?" She whispered the request
conspiratorially, as if they were hatching a plan to ditch
school and smoke a joint under the bleachers or something.
"Uh...I guess..." He reached into his holster and pulled the
weapon out, holding it for her to see. He kept his hand over
the trigger and checked that the safety was on.
"Wow." She gasped and stroked the barrel with her fingers.
"It's so...big." Good God. Dear God in heaven. Scully
could not have been this way. No thirteen year old could be
this way. He supposed he was old fashioned but kids this
age were supposed to be collecting Barbies and
worshipping people named Corey in Teen magazines.
"Ugh...Pele..." He was alarmed to find his voice was
cracking. She moved over until she was pressed up against
his side. She was still running her hands over his gun. He
swiped it and put it back in the holster.
"Yes, Mulder?" She looked up at him with her big Scully like
lips partially opened like she was fucking waiting for him to
kiss her or something. Where had this kid come from? And
then he realized something truly disturbing. She could have
come from his own imagination. He thought back to that
night with Charlie, with the damn picture and his sick
fantasies about an adolescent Scully. It had seemed
perverted to him even at the time but now that he was
actually presented with the image he'd conjured he realized
it was beyond perverted. It was disgusting.
"You're kinda young to be playing with guns, don't you
think?"
"Oh, I have one at home. Not as nice as that one, though."
He assumed she was talking about a bebe gun like Scully
had owned when she was a kid. The one her brothers had
gotten her. He hoped that was what she was talking about
anyway.
"So, um...Pele, do you know any boys your own age?" It
was the only thing he could think of in terms of a hint. She
made a disgusted face, wrinkled her nose and raised her
damn eyebrow.
"Of course I do but they're so immature and boring.
Nothing interesting to say, no real life experience. I'll bet
you have lots of interesting stories don't you Mulder?" He
was pressed against the armrest at the end of the sofa
now. There was nowhere left to go. He looked around
nervously, hoping someone would come and save him. He
wished that his cell phone would ring and interrupt this
bizarre scene but the only one who ever called him was
Scully.
"Well, not really, no. Nothing that would interest anyone
normal, anyway."
"Oh, I'm not normal, Mulder. Not at all. Normal means dull
to me. Will you tell me a story about work? What's the
most dangerous assignment you've ever been on?" He
had to hand it to the kid, she knew what she was doing.
True, every word out of her mouth was a cliché, but there
was a reason for that. The lines were overused because
they worked. Not many men could resist glorifying
themselves and their "manly" attributes. Mulder felt a
sudden and overwhelming concern for this girl. How many
men had she tried this routine on? How many of them had
known, as Mulder did, how old she really was? How many
of them had been desperately in love with her aunt and
totally repulsed by the idea of taking advantage of her?
"You don't wanna hear about that. I..."
"Do you have a girlfriend Mulder?"
That was a hell of a question. He didn't have a clue how to
answer it.
"You must have tons."
"Um...not really no." Wrong answer. She moved in,
impossibly closer and ran her foot over his calf.
"I can't imagine why."
"Oh, you know, probably because of my nose, I try not to
take it personally." He laughed nervously. She was not
amused by his attempt at humor. She suddenly looked
very serious.
"You have a wonderful nose. Your face has so much
character. And besides, you know what they say about
men with big noses..."
"Pele!" Mulder let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd
been holding. Charlie was here to save him.
"Pele, go find your mother and leave the nice man alone!"
She glared at her father and rolled her eyes at Mulder in a
frighteningly familiar way and stood up.
"But dad..." she whined.
"No buts. She's waiting for you downstairs in the lobby.
She's gonna take you back to grandma's." Pele wrinkled
her nose and stuck out her tongue.
"I'm sick of grandma."
"Yeah yeah, we all are. Just get down there." Pele sighed
heavily and started towards the elevator. Before the doors
opened she turned back and waved.
"Bye, Mulder. It was really nice to talk to you."
Mulder fidgeted and muttered something unintelligible and
she disappeared. Charlie shook his head and turned to
Mulder.
"Sorry about that. I hope she didn't bother you."
Mulder shrugged. He wasn't sure how to respond to that.
She hadn't really bothered him. Just reminded him how
twisted he was inside. No wonder he couldn't help Scully.
She knew what he was. Whether she'd admit it or not,
she was probably as afraid of him as she was of Jane.
"She's um...a very interesting kid."
Charlie snorted and sat down. "Interesting's one way of
putting it, I guess. I dunno, I think she's gonna give me a
heart attack before I hit forty. I don't know what the hell to
do about it anymore, ya know? I don't wanna be a tyrant
like dad but it's like, what the fuck else do you do? Her
mind is just too damn old for her body."
Mulder wished he could offer some sage parental advice but
he had no clue how to deal with horny teen aged daughters.
He had enough trouble dealing with himself.
"What does her mother think?"
Charlie shrugged. "Same thing I do really. We try to give
her as much freedom as we can without letting her run
wild but there are times when we both feel like locking her
in her room and sticking a chastity belt on her. And she's
at that age where she won't even talk to Rena anymore so
that's kind of frustrating for her." He sighed heavily and ran
his hand through his hair. "This is another issue entirely
though, it's not what I wanted to talk to you about."
Mulder shifted self-consciously. He knew what Charlie
wanted to talk about and he had no desire to discuss it at
all.
"I think we need to talk about Dana." He paused and
regarded Mulder apprehensively. "I don't think she's
getting better. I mean, I think there's more wrong than we
first thought."
"No...she, she was fine. When I went in there before, and
even this morning, she was better. She's getting better.
She's fine. It's just me."
Charlie rolled his eyes and sighed. "Mulder, that's just not
true. Her doctor told me today that she hasn't been eating
at all. She's not gaining any weight or getting any of her
strength back and she's not talking to anybody about what
happened. She refuses to talk with a psychologist..."
"She doesn't need a psychologist. There's nothing wrong
with her. All she needs is for me to leave her alone."
"Are you listening to me at all? She's not getting better!
Her body is not recovering. Her mental state is not
improving. There's something really wrong. She should be
almost ready to leave the hospital by now. But she's not,
they don't wanna let her leave because if she got out of bed,
she'd fall the fuck down. Are you getting this?"
Mulder winced and closed his eyes. He didn't want to
believe this. It was so much easier to blame her odd
behavior on himself than to think that something was
seriously wrong with her.
"Why hasn't anybody told me all this?"
"I dunno, I guess cause you're not family in their eyes. But
I'm telling you because I think you're the only one who can
help her. You're the only one she listens to."
"Now you're the one not getting it, Charlie. I'm trying to
help her. That's all I've been doing. It's not working. She's
afraid of me."
"No she's not. Why would she be afraid of you?"
Mulder stared blankly at the wall for a moment. Charlie
didn't know. He didn't understand. He had no idea what
Mulder had done to his sister. Mulder didn't relish the idea
of filling him in on the details.
"She just is. And she's not gonna want to talk to me about
this any more than anyone else."
"Well, that part might be true. But she doesn't want you to
think she can't handle things. She's very worried about you
thinking that she's weak or helpless."
Mulder nodded sadly. She'd never let him see when she
needed help, when she was scared or sad.
"Well, at least try to get her to talk to someone else, a
therapist or her doctor or...I dunno, anybody."
"I...I'll try I guess," Mulder agreed. But in his heart, he felt
that she would be doing a lot better if he wasn't involved in
the situation at all.
xxxxxx
Tuesday
1:30 PM
Rena Scully led her son by the hand into Scully's room. She
leaned down to Charlie Jr. and cautioned him to remain
quiet when she saw Dana asleep. The man at Dana's side
she could only assume was the infamous Mulder. He was
sitting in a chair directly next to the bed, hovering over her,
one hand holding Dana's, the other running through her hair
in a steady rhythm. His look was fraught with both concern
and intense admiration.
Charlie Jr. sighed and woke Mulder from his trance. He
looked slightly confused and perhaps even a bit
self-conscious as he smiled and greeted Rena.
"Mr. Mulder?" Rena presumed and offered her hand. "I'm
Rena Scully."
"Yeah, yes. Charlie's wife. I recognize the both of you
from his picture of you." She smiled and nodded as he
shook her hand. "Please, you can just call me Mulder."
Rena smiled and looked down at Dana, who was breathing
very shallow as she slept. "How is she?"
Mulder sighed and looked at Dana as well. "She's okay, her
arm is healing and all but-" he sighed and broke off again.
Dana twitched and moaned in her sleep. Mulder ran his
hand over her face and through her hair again which
seemed to calm her.
He was extremely worried about her emotional state, that
was an impression Rena was receiving more than clearly.
She didn't even have to ask what he'd stopped himself from
saying just now. Along with that impression, she also got
the strong feeling that he was carrying an intense guilt for
what had happened to Dana. For many things that had
happened to her.
He kept his eyes on Dana now. "You know that's the best
thing you could be doing for her right now." Upon Rena's
comment, Mulder's eyebrows raised and his eyes looked up
slightly toward her, yet he still didn't lift his head completely.
"Touching her like that. Speaking softly while she sleeps.
There's no better therapy than that of the human touch.
Especially that of a loving one."
He grinned sadly and finally looked up at her again. He
sighed and said quietly, "Thanks. Thanks a lot."
Rena knew from what Charlie had told her about this man
that he needed all of the encouragement he could get.
Especially where their family was concerned. Like she
herself, Mulder wasn't being welcomed with open arms to
the Scully family, either. But he seemed to take it much
more personally than she ever did.
For a moment she was going to reassure him, let him know
that none of this was his fault, but she held her tongue
instead. He needed to concentrate his full efforts on Dana's
recovery. That would truly be the only way she would or
could get better.
Out of the silence of the room, Mulder asked quietly, "Do
you think...do you think she'll ever be the same again?"
Rena wasn't sure how to answer him honestly. That wasn't
up to her. Instead she asked him, "Do you believe she
will?"
He looked up and directly at her now, his eyes seemingly
full of disbelief at her question.
"Mulder, I think-"
"...wriggled and jiggled and squiggled inside her..."
Charlie Jr. had apparently grown tired of this visit and
chosen to entertain himself with the plastic action figures
he'd carried with him. He was his happy self, singing a
recently learned song that he had succeeded in driving their
household mad with as of late by repeating it over and over.
"Charles, not so loud, love," Rena requested firmly.
The boy did not formally acknowledge his mother, but
continued his song at a loud whisper. "..she swallowed the
fly...no, wait...she swallowed the horse to get the doggie, to
get the spider that wriggled and jiggled and giggled inside of
her..."
Both Rena and Mulder could but help but chuckle at him as
he pressed on with his own rendition of the song.
"Seems like a good kid," Mulder complimented.
Rena smiled proudly. "He really is befitting of his name.
He *is* my little Charlie. Took on all of his father's best
qualities."
As they both watched the boy play, they did not notice at
first how Scully had begun to toss in her sleep, much more
heavily than before. It wasn't until she began to moan
loudly that their attentions were redirected.
"Shhh, Scully, you're okay, you're okay. I'm right here with
you." He spoke directly into her ear as he used both his
hands to caress her face.
But she would not be calmed. "No...please...don't.
*Please*."
"...I know a lady who swallowed a spider and it wriggled
and wiggled and jiggled insider...," Charlie sang on in the
background. Rena scolded him again for being so loud, but
Charlie knew his mother's attentions were split at the
moment, so he chose not to listen. He sang on.
"..she swallowed the spider to catch the fly..."
Scully tossed in the bed, her facial expression pained, her
cheeks streaming now with tears. "Scully, I'm here.
Scully-," Mulder called to her more desperately now.
"No, please...can't.." She then coughed and
hyperventilated, as though she were heaving.
"...I don't know why the lady swallowed a fly..." Rena
grabbed Charlie by the arm and yanked him to her side,
firmly reminding him of her previous instruction. He
giggled and finished the song despite his mother's order.
"Perhaps she'll DIE!"
"NO!" Scully flew up straight in the bed and screamed.
"STOP IT STOP IT NO!!" Her eyes were wide open and
she looked directly at Charlie as she yelled. "LET ME GO,
DAMMIT!!"
Little Charlie was frightened to death and immediately stuck
out his bottom lip. He clung to his mothers hip and the
tears began to fall. He hid his face.
Scully herself was crying and shaking and it was more than
obvious to both Rena and Mulder that she had not really
seen Charlie there, that she'd actually still be caught in the
midst of her nightmare. Rena picked up her sobbing child
and carried him from the room.
Mulder shook her and called her name. She finally woke
and it took only an instant for her to realize what had
happened. She looked to Mulder and collapsed in his arms.
He held her tightly and tried his best to soothe her. "What
the hell is wrong with me, Mulder?" she sobbed into his
chest. "I'm so tired," she whispered. "When can I rest?"
end part 3
Desideratum II: Found
by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen
part 4/11
Tuesday
7:30 PM
Mulder rubbed his eyes. It only occurred to him now how
tired he was. And sore. The discomfort of sleeping in
hospital chairs was catching up with him. His only thought
in sleeping at the hospital was focused on Scully's
comfort alone, not his own.
He entered the waiting room that Scully's family had been
inhabiting for the last several days. On one of the couches
in the corner Rena slept on Charlie's shoulder. Charlie
acknowledged Mulder sleepily and Mulder nodded. He was
about to lay down on the other couch in the room, just for a
minute or two, when he noticed Charlie Jr. on the floor,
engrossed in Scooby Doo playing on the television.
God, he looked like her. A lot. He looked a lot like his
parents, too, but he resembled Scully in so many ways. The
shape of his face, the arc of his eyebrows. Unlike his sister,
though, Charlie Jr. had inherited his father's ocean blue
eyes,
the shade also shared by his aunt. Eyes which were now
brimming with tears.
Mulder looked back at the boy's parents. Both of them had
fallen asleep now, Charlie snoring quietly as he
unconsciously stroked his wife's silken black hair. Mulder
pinched his eyes shut. Way to ruin their vacation and
indirectly cause their child trauma.
Could he possibly fuck up anyone else's life this week?
He knew exactly how little Charlie was feeling. Only
Charlie hadn't known any better. Mulder had.
A picture of Scully's angry face came into Mulder's mind.
She had been so right. Jane had manipulated him, playing
on his every weakness. He never saw it coming. Scully
had, though, and he had chose to ignore her again.
No more, Scully, I promise. From now on he was going to
listen. Godammit, if it killed him, he was going to listen to
her every breath.
He sat down next to Charlie on the floor. "You like
Scooby?" Mulder asked.
Charlie kept his eyes on the television and nodded quickly.
"You know," Mulder said in attempt to distract him. "Your
aunt Dana's always reminded me of Velma.
"She's ugly," Charlie said quietly and inhaled sharply.
"Yeah," Mulder chuckled quietly. "But she's the smart one,
like Velma. Aunt Dana's always the one that solves our
cases. Our mysteries." God, was that ever the truth.
Mulder felt like crying.
*Come back to me, Scully.*
Charlie sucked his lips and the corners of his mouths were
pulling his frown further downward. He took a quick sniffle
and wiped an eye. Then he gasped and his chin quivered
as
a tear rolled down his cheek. It was obvious now to Mulder
that he was trying to keep from crying.
"Hey," Mulder said. "Hey, buddy, it's okay. Go ahead and
cry if you wanna."
He shook his head fiercely and rubbed his fists into both his
eyes. "Can't. Not a'pposed to."
"Not supposed to?" Mulder could hardly believe that
Charlie and Rena would have taught him that. "Who said
you're not supposed to cry?"
He stuck his bottom lip out and sobbed. Wiping his nose he
explained, "Uncle Bill. I was crying cause I feel real bad
cause, cause I made aunt Dana all upset and she's real sick
and," he could hardly talk anymore. "Uncle Bill said I'm
a'posed to be a big boy and not a baby and I was being
naughty cause I didn't listen to mommy and that I shouldin',
I shouldin' cry!"
He ended his story and the floodgates were opened. Mulder
encouraged Charlie to lean into him and to Mulder's total
surprise, the boy embraced him tightly around the waist.
Rena stirred in her sleep and Mulder turned to regard her.
Apparently satisfied her baby was not in danger, she relaxed
into her husband's arms again. As Mulder felt his shirt
becoming moist, he spoke to little Charlie quietly, "S'okay,
Charlie. Let it out. Everybody should cry sometimes."
"I diddin' mean ta make her sad. I diddin' know the song
would hurt her and make her more sicker." He hiccuped
the words out in between sobs.
"I know you didn't, Charlie. I know."
"I'm real real sorry."
"I know you are." Mulder looked around for something to
help make the boy feel better. "Hey, you wanna go get a
coke or something?"
Charlie pulled back and revealed his swollen, soaking-wet
face. But there was a spark of happiness present in his
eyes
now. "Can I have my own can?"
While they headed down to the closet of a room which held
the vending machines, Charlie took hold of Mulder's hand
as though it were the most natural thing in the world to him.
Mulder thought he actually felt his heart swell. By the time
they reached the room, Charlie was skipping.
He jumped up and down in front of Mulder. "Can I put the
money in? I wanna put the money in myself! Please?"
Mulder put his hand behind the boy's left ear and produced
a quarter. Charlie's eyes grew big and he gasped. As he
was feeling behind that ear for more money, Mulder reached
behind Charlie's right ear and found another quarter.
"Wow!" was all he could say.
"C'mere, kid," Mulder said as he lifted Charlie off the
ground so he could reach the money slot. Charlie stuck the
two quarters in and punched the Coke button hard, rejoicing
quietly when he heard the can drop down.
The two new friends sat at a round table in the room. Little
Charlie took two giant gulps from his 'whole can' and
Mulder marveled at how this simple thing was seeming to
make the kid's day. And that Mulder had something to do
with it; that made it all the better for Mulder.
"Now don't tell your mom and dad I gave you that if you're
not supposed to have it," Mulder kidded.
"Mommy don't care. Mulder," he began but was
interrupted by a burp. "S'cuse me. Mulder, do you think
um, do you think I made aunt Dana worser?"
He wasn't sure if he was entirely qualified to answer that
question, as he had just been worrying about the same
thing.
Instead of answering, he made a suggestion. "Would you
feel better if we went upstairs to apologize to aunt Dana?"
Charlie looked frightened suddenly. He looked into the
Coke can, head dropped low. "I don't wanna."
Neither did Mulder. Finally somebody Mulder could relate
to during all of this mess. Unfortunately the person was a
five-year-old. Or maybe it wasn't so unfortunate. Either
way it was starting to become clear to Mulder that Scully's
brother had been right last night. Something was really
wrong with Scully and it was more than just his own
stupidity.
"It's hard, I know how you feel. You feel Dumb.
Embarrassed. Sorry. I feel the same way. I made your
aunt Dana cry, too."
"Really? You did? What did you do?"
"Um..." he tried to formulate an explanation that a child
might be able to understand. "I tried to give her some
noodles to eat and they kind of scared her." If only that
were the only thing he'd done. But he wasn't about to
traumatize a five year old with stories of abductions and
psychotic stalkers and rapist partners.
Charlie screwed up his face. "The noodles did? That's
silly. Who's afraid of noodles?" He started giggling and
Mulder put his fingers to his lips.
"Shh, I know it's hard to understand. I don't really
understand it myself but for some reason she got scared.
Just like when you were singing."
Charlie took another swig from his coke and regarded
Mulder with a thoughtful expression. "Uncle Mulder?"
Mulder was startled to hear the boy call him Uncle and it
took him a second to respond. "Um, yeah Charlie?"
"Do ya think maybe she's scared of noodles cause of her
bad dreams?"
xxxxxx
Scully felt for Mulder's hand in her sleep. Unable to find it,
she woke with a sharp gasp. For a split second, she feared
again that she was back at Jane's, that waking in Mulder's
arms a while ago was really just another hallucination.
Then she heard a voice. The voice of a young child.
"Your turn, your TURN!"
"Just a minute, Charlie. Your aunt Dana's waking up."
"Uh-oh, I forgot to *whis-per*," the boy said in a whisper
louder than the words he'd just spoken.
The pair was now in focus to her. It was Mulder, sitting on
the floor with Charlie's boy. A deck of cards was spread
out on the tiles in a game of war.
Mulder rose and sat down next to her on the bed. He
leaned down and brushed some hair out of her face. "How
are you?" he said in a low voice.
She smiled a bit and said, "I see you've found someone else
to play with while I'm out."
Mulder look toward Charlie Jr. "Yeah, but he cheats way
more than you do," he teased.
"Do NOT!" Charlie insisted loudly.
"Shh, boy," Mulder instructed. "You're gonna get us
kicked out of here." He ruffled the child's hair as he
climbed up onto the bed with them.
Charlie crawled up the length of the bed to give his aunt a
hug. "I love you, aunt Dana." His voice seemed sad to her.
He kept his head buried on her shoulder for a while and
soon Scully felt moisture there.
"Charlie?" She looked up at Mulder with a question on her
face. He shrugged and then instantly she remembered what
had happened. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
"M'sorry," he sobbed into her body. "I didn't mean ta
make you sad," he sniffled, "I'm a good boy, I didn't mean
ta be naughty-oh..." He broke off and cried hard. Scully
stroked his back with her good arm and pressed her cheek
into his crown.
"S'okay, Charlie," she whispered to him. "You are a good
boy." She had tears in her own eyes now. "I just keep
having really bad dreams, that's all. It's not your fault."
She kissed his head. "Not your fault."
"I'm not a baby," he whimpered.
"No, you're not. You're a big boy. You're a wonderful
boy. I love you very much."
He pulled back and Scully beheld his red eyes, his
tear-streaked cheeks. He sniffled twice. "I love you very
much, too."
"Good," she smiled.
"You're not mad at me?" He asked one last time.
She giggled through her nose, shaking her head. "No. You
didn't do anything wrong, sweetie. You didn't know."
He smiled and then leaned down to her face. "Kisses?"
Scully laughed quietly again and conceded. "Kisses."
"Mmmah!" he exclaimed as he pecked her on the mouth.
"Mulder, hand me a Kleenex, would ya?" She asked of him
quietly. Taking it from him, she said to Charlie, "C'mere so
I can wipe your face." He happily obliged her, sitting still as
she wiped up his tears and runny nose. "How'd you guys
get up here, anyhow? It's way past visiting hours."
Charlie pulled back. The thought of answering her question
seemed to excite him, as sat up on his knees and took a
deep breath.
"Uncle Mulder brought me!" he revealed proudly.
"Uncle Mulder?" she asked, looking at Mulder this time.
He merely shrugged.
Charlie nodded emphatically. "Yeah-yeah-yeah! We tried
to sneak past the ladies at the um, counter-thing, but one of
'em said, "Hey, he can't go there." But uncle Mulder, said,
hey," he stopped to move her face so that her gaze was on
him instead of Mulder.
"Aunt Dana, aunt Dana," he begged her attention, "Uncle
Mulder, he um, said to that lady, "He's with me," and she
was...she didn't care and um so uncle Mulder took out his
badge-thing and said "Fox Mulder, FBI," and so, and so we
got to come up here."
Scully tried her hardest not to burst out in a laughing fit
from the boy's recitation. He seemed pretty impressed with
his new 'uncle', sitting there with his hand up, imitating
Mulder's voice and stance as best he could. Mulder had
momentarily replaced her brother as little Charlie's hero.
"Well, then you're pretty important, then, too, Mr. Scully."
She poked him in the belly and he squealed in laughter. He
had all but forgotten his earlier sorrow.
"Quiet, Charlie, you're really gonna get us in trouble,"
Mulder kidded again and they played a mocking game of
"uh-huh's" back and forth.
Suddenly Charlie stopped, seeming to remember something.
He turned to Mulder and bid him lean in close so he could
whisper something.
"Hey-hey-hey, no secrets," Scully kidded.
Mulder smiled at her comment while he listened to Charlie
speak to him. Then suddenly Mulder's face got really
serious.
"Mulder? What? What is it?"
"Uh..." he grunted.
"Come on, you PROMISED! Now do it!" Charlie egged
him on.
Mulder's face was red and sweaty. Scully began to worry
now.
"I'm supposed to..." he hesitated, "I promised him that
would..."
"Aunt Dana, he's real sorry bout the noodles." Apparently
the suspense was too much for Charlie.
Scully's face now matched Mulder's and her heart rate
increased. She had nearly forgotten the incident already.
Though she felt great unease to even think of it, she
humored her nephew. "Uh...It's okay, Mulder, I forgive
you."
They both looked at one another uncomfortably. Scully
couldn't decide if it was better that Charlie was in the room
or not. At least with little Charlie there, Mulder wouldn't
try to pry, try to ask her more questions about what
happened at Jane's.
Charlie patted Mulder's arm. "It's okay, uncle Mulder.
She's just having bad dreams right now. She'll get better
soon."
Charlie continued to look back and forth from one to the
other. Again to humor him, Scully said to Mulder, "It's
okay."
"Now kisses!"
Such an innocent request. He had no idea what he was
asking of them. 'Kisses' to Charlie were merely a manner
of reassurance that things were just fine. All is forgiven, all
better, you'll be fine.
Mulder gave Scully a goofy grin and leaned in quickly, sort
of brushing his lips on her forehead. "No, no, NO! That's
not kisses!" Charlie said with frustration in his voice.
When Mulder pulled back, Scully answered the look on his
face. Sighing, she said, " 'Kisses' is on the mouth."
"Yeah, yeah. You gotta kiss on the *mouth*, silly," Charlie
said matter of factly as he pushed on Mulder's arm. "You
say, 'Kisses?' uncle Mulder, and aunt Dana says, 'Kisses'
and then you kiss on the mouth and then, and then, then
everything's ALL better!"
Mulder looked as though he would faint. For a long while
they merely stared at one another silently, as though
working through a life-altering decision in their minds.
Scully felt very warm as she watched Mulder's chest rise
and fall rapidly. He opened his mouth, but no sound
emitted.
"Come *on*! Jeesh, you guys take forever!" Charlie
demanded.
Still Mulder seemed to be having difficulties. Charlie
whispered loud words of encouragement. "Hurry UP!"
She watched as a gentle grin curled the sides of his mouth
upward.
"Kisses?" Mulder ventured, the word getting caught in his
throat.
"Kisses," she returned and he leaned down toward her face.
Except that Mulder was having yet more difficulties with
this seemingly easy feat. He stopped short of her face,
trying to decide to lean left or right. Scully lifted her head a
little to help him out and as she did, his wonderfully large
nose knocked into hers, frightening Mulder a bit, which
made him lose his balance a bit and so he ended up falling
into her mouth, pressing much harder than he had intended
to.
"Mmm...ow," Scully cried when their foreheads and teeth
bumped.
"Oh, Scully, oh Scully, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Huh?
are you all right?" He asked as he was rubbing his own
head.
"Yeah, I'm...What?" Scully turned toward her giggling
nephew. "What are you laughing at?"
"Uncle Mulder," he answered and laughed some more. "He
can't do 'kisses' right!
Scully turned and looked at Mulder. He was breathing
heavily and his face was redder than she thought she'd ever
seen.
He grabbed the boy and said, "Oh yeah, you think that's
funny? You like to laugh so much, huh? I'll give you
something to laugh about!"
He proceeded to tickle little Charlie until he cried uncle.
Scully's heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. The
way Mulder was with her nephew was such a beautiful sight
and she remembered what it was like to feel carefree. She
missed that. She didn't know when her body would decide
what emotion to feel. She certainly took no part in that
decision anymore.
xxxxxx
Wednesday
1:40 p.m.
The door clicked open and Scully turned to see her
sister-in-law enter the room.
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
Scully grinned and shrugged.
"I'm sorry, I'm sure you're sick to death of people asking
you that.
Scully nodded. "A little bit. Yes." Unconsciously, Scully
looked around Rena's shoulder.
"Mulder's on his way up," Rena offered.
"What? Oh." She should have known Rena would read her
mind.
"He's found a new partner, I think. Mulder took him to see
the babies again. Charlie's just fascinated with little kids
and before you say one more word, the answer is no."
Scully laughed. "How is little Charlie, though? Is he still
okay after what happened yesterday?"
"Yeah. In fact, I think he's all but forgotten about it now.
Mulder on the other hand..."
"Rena, I have to say to you I'm really sorry about what
happened. I don't know why - "
Rena was shaking her head. "It's not your fault. But you
know, Dana..."
Scully was afraid to ask what Rena was thinking. Rena had
such a knack for knowing exactly what was on people's
minds. "What is it, Rena?"
She sighed. "Perhaps this isn't any of my business, but..."
she stopped and sat down next to her in the chair that had
become Mulder's new bed. She took Scully's hand and
regarded her seriously. Scully's heart began to pound.
"Dana, I know that you haven't told anyone what happened
to you, not even the psychiatrist. Not even Mulder."
Not this. No. Scully had to get her off of the subject.
"Rena, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but there
really isn't much to say. I told the police what happened
when I was there and that's really all there is to say. It's
really not necessary. I just...I just need to get my strength
up."
Rena shut her eyes and sighed again in very much the
same
way her mother had been doing to her lately. She wished
everyone would leave her alone about this. The only person
who wasn't prying her about anything was Mulder.
"Dana, if you won't do it for yourself, then consider
Mulder. Have you looked at him lately? He looks sickly.
He's not taking care of himself because he's so worried
about you. Do you want him to end up in the hospital?"
"Of course I don't. Of course not. I just don't see how
rehashing any of this is beneficial."
Rena nodded and fell silent. She looked at Scully for
several moments which brought on a now very familiar
nervousness. Where the hell was Mulder?
"Dana, far be it from me to offer unsolicited advice, but I
love you and I want to see you get better. Believe me when
I say you are not going to get better until you deal with it. I
think you know that. You're going to have to come to
terms with it sometime."
Scully remained silent. She wanted no part of what Rena
was proposing. It wasn't necessary, any of it. She was fine,
she felt fine. She just needed to get home and not think
about any of this anymore.
"I love you too, Rena. All of you guys are so wonderful for
being here, but there really isn't any good reason for you to
be," she insisted. "Where did you say Mulder went?"
"I'll go find him. But promise you'll think about what I
said."
Scully nodded insincerely at her as she left the room. Just
as long as Rena brought Mulder back here. Then her heart
would stop racing.
end part 4
Desideratum II: Found
by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen
part 5/11
Margaret Scully's home
Tuesday, 7:40 p.m.
The silence in the room was more deafening than the
loudest explosions Mulder had ever heard. He looked
around the table and wondered, yet again, why he had
agreed to come here. Then he looked across from him at
Charlie junior's grinning face and remembered, he was here
for him, to humor him.
As Rena and Charlie had been leaving the hospital this
evening with their children, little Charlie had turned to
Mulder and asked him to "come to gammie's for dinner" with
them. Mulder had glanced at the elder Scully for some help
but Charlie just shrugged with a stupid grin. He'd looked
almost happy to have someone to share the suffering with.
He'd known it was a pretty bad idea but he hadn't the heart
to disappoint little Charlie. He'd looked so excited about the
whole thing.
Mrs. Scully had looked less than thrilled when he'd shown
up with Charlie and his family but she'd been polite about it,
unlike Bill who'd refused to even look at him since he'd
arrived.
He looked around the table again, surveying the strange
scene. Bill and Charlie were seated at the two ends of the
rectangular table. They were both eating voraciously and
saying nothing. Neither of them seemed willing to make eye
contact with anyone else at the table. Across from him,
Charlie junior sat between his mother and Mrs. Scully.
And he was seated next to Pele. He wasn't sure how that
had happened. It was making him even more nervous than
he was already, though. Every time he turned he saw her
leaning on her elbow, staring at him openly with what he
assumed to be a thirteen year old's attempt at a seductive
look.
"Can you pass me the peas, Mulder?" Pele asked. It was
the first thing he'd heard anyone say in a long time. He
scanned the table for the peas and found that they were
right in front of him. She could have gotten them herself
pretty damn easily.
He passed them to her. Her hand brushed his briefly on the
bowl and she sighed. It was bizarre. His touch seemed to
have the same effect on her as Scully's had on him.
Mrs. Scully jumped up as if she'd suddenly remembered
something. She left the dining room for a moment and came
back with a bottle of wine. She poured some in everyone's
glass except for Charlie junior and Pele. When she'd sat
back down Pele stuck her glass out petulantly at her
grandmother.
"Would you pour me some too please, grandma?"
"Um, I'm sorry sweetheart, you're a little too young..."
"It's okay," Rena interjected, "she can have some if she
wants it. It's just a little wine."
Mrs. Scully pursed her lips and glared at Rena. Then she
looked at Charlie. "Is that all right with you too Charles?"
"Huh?" Charlie grumbled into his plate. "Yeah, it's fine." He
still wouldn't look up or stop shoveling food into his face.
Bill muttered something unintelligible. Something that only
Charlie seemed to hear. He finally lifted his head and gave
his brother the nastiest look Mulder had ever seen Charlie
give anyone.
"What was that Bill? Would you like to share that with
everyone?"
Bill actually looked embarrassed for a moment. Mulder
could only assume he'd said something nasty about either
Rena or Pele.
"So, can I have it or what?" Pele asked impatiently.
"Pele, ask nicely," Rena admonished her.
"Sorry, can I please have a little bit?" Mrs. Scully scowled
and filled her glass half way.
With that small crisis past Mulder felt just comfortable
enough to take a large swig from his own glass. He wished
he'd had a whole bottle before he'd come here. He hadn't
been so uncomfortable since he'd been forced to have
dinner with his own family.
Another long silence went by, unbroken by anything except
the clattering of silverware and the sound of chewing.
Mulder hated the sound of chewing. Especially his own. He
felt like everyone at the table could hear it.
Not that anyone would care about his stupid chewing. They
seemed pretty focused on radiating their anger towards one
another. He felt like he was in the middle of two warring
camps.
Mulder wondered if these people were always this way when
they were together or if it was his presence making things
this way. He got the very strong impression that although
he was adding to the problem, the tension was there all the
time. It seemed to seethe between all of them. He
wondered what it would be like if Scully were there. Every
situation seemed endurable if she was there. But at the
same time he had a feeling she would be as silent and edgy
as everyone else and that would be a long way from
pleasant for him. He felt a sudden and random surge of
anger towards all of them, including himself. How dare they
sit around here with their petty differences and childish
animosity when she was lying in a hospital bed, needing
their support more than anything?.
"I wish aunt Dana was here. When's she gonna be better?"
Charlie junior blurted out suddenly. Mulder was shocked at
how this boy's thoughts mirrored his own. He really was
the only person Mulder seemed able to relate to anymore.
Nobody answered his question. "Uncle Mulder, do you
know?" Mulder looked the boy in the eye and shook his
head sadly.
"No, no I don't know, Charlie. I'm sorry."
He saw Mrs. Scully and Bill glance at each other out of the
corner of his eye and he knew exactly what they were
thinking. He should be sorry. It was all his fault.
Suddenly he felt something on his leg under the table. He
almost jumped, thinking it was some kind of unknown
creature but then realized that it was merely Pele's bare foot
running up the back of his leg. She was trying to play
fucking footsie with him in the middle of all this. He pulled
his leg away and tried to concentrate on eating fast so he
could get the hell out of there and back to Scully.
Rena turned to her son and stroked his hair. "We're not
sure when Aunt Dana's going to be better sweetie. But just
knowing that you care is helping her."
"Really? Honest?"
She nodded and smiled. "Honest. Cross my heart." She
kissed his forehead and he seemed somewhat relieved.
"Mommy, why don't you just do your magic on her?"
Mulder looked at Rena curiously. "Your magic?"
"Oh jeez, not this again." Bill grunted.
"What is he talking about?" Mulder asked.
"I was sick like aunt Dana an' mommy made me better
with magic!" Charlie announced excitedly.
"It's not magic, honey," Rena told him quietly.
"Well what is it?" Mulder was getting pretty excited himself.
To a child, any kind of help might seem like magic. Maybe
Rena was some kind of trauma therapist, maybe she knew
something that would help Scully.
"Do we have to talk about this at dinner?" Mrs. Scully asked
hopefully. She seemed to sense that this was a touchy
subject. Mulder didn't care. If it would help Scully it didn't
matter.
"I'm finished with my dinner gammie! See!" Charlie junior
held his cleaned plate up for inspection and Mrs. Scully
nodded proudly.
"Yep, that's wonderful, sweetie. That's grandma's good
boy!"
"Pele, take your brother upstairs please," Charlie told his
daughter. Pele rolled her eyes and sighed melodramatically.
"Are you guys gonna fight about mom's stupid therapy thing
again?"
"Just do it." Pele rose from the table with another sigh and
gave Mulder an exasperated look.
"So, are you a therapist or something?" Mulder asked
when the two kids had gone.
"Something..." Bill muttered.
"Watch it." Charlie glared at Bill and pointed his fork at
him.
Mrs. Scully cleared her throat and folded her hands
nervously on the table. "Bill, Charles, please. We don't
need to do this now."
"Um, I'm not exactly a therapist." She looked around the
table, debating whether or not to discuss this further. Her
eyes met Mulder's and he looked at her pleadingly.
"What then, Rena? Please, if it could help Scully I need to
know."
She sighed and nodded.
"A couple years ago I was in a car accident with Charlie
junior. He was pretty traumatized by the whole thing, he
had awful nightmares and he was sleepwalking. One night
Charlie and I both almost had a simultaneous coronary
when we found him outside standing in front of our pool. I
was never comfortable with the therapist he saw and it was
compounded more by the fact that Charlie wasn't getting
any better. So finally I took it upon myself to explore
options for him. I looked into some alternative methods
and found something that happened to work in Charlie's
case."
Mulder leaned across the table eagerly. This was actually
sounding like something substantial. Something that
might help.
"So, what did you do? Do you really think it could work
with Scully?"
"God almighty! Dana's not gonna want to have anything
to do with that new age, holistic crap. Why the hell did you
have to get her started on this?" Bill demanded angrily.
Charlie slammed his palms against the table, causing the
dishes to rattle. Mrs. Scully jumped in her seat and
buried her head in her hands
"I told you to watch your fucking mouth!"
"Charlie, please," Mrs. Scully pleaded from behind her
shield.
Rena leaned towards her husband and put her hand over
his. "It's okay. It's fine. Let me explain it to Mulder."
xxxxxx
8:10 p.m.
Scully opened the brown envelope that had been delivered
to her earlier that evening. She'd managed to track down
the police reports that had been drafted about Jane Harris.
When an associate from the Bureau had called on behalf of
her department to see how Scully was doing and asked if
there was anything she could do for her, Scully took her up
on the offer immediately.
Everything was in order, police reports, photos, prints, and
other items that were part of a federal offenders file that had
been started on the woman. Scully could have kicked
herself for not having looked to see if Jane had any kind of a
record the moment she'd had that odd feeling about the
woman. She refrained from it, though, because she would
have felt like a jealous shrew. It wouldn't have made a
difference, if she had, though. The name given on the
report was Jane Elizabeth Walters, not Harris.
The papers also indicated that she'd gone to a private grade
school in Rhode Island, an upscale boarding preparatory
high school and then attended Yale, though apparently did
not finish a degree.
Scully flipped through the other papers and came across
one titled, "Psychological Evaluation". She'd had a psyche
eval already? So soon? That seemed odd to Scully, but
upon further reading found that the date on the form was
June of 1996. It was an eval to decide if she was fit for
release from the Maryland State Hospital. She'd apparently
been
admitted in 1993 by her father, for a reason Scully could not
determine from the information she had. It was declared
that she be released but continue therapeutic medication
and regular sessions with the psychiatrist.
In the statement she'd given federal officers regarding the
recent incident, Scully learned that Jane first came across
information on Mulder at several different UFO abductee
cooperative group webpages on the Internet. She then
advanced to accessing personal information on Mulder,
thereby locating his place of residence. Through the
collected knowledge, Jane had concocted a story which she
hoped would gain Mulder's attention and incite his interests.
The transcript of her confession recorded her repeating over
and over how much she loved Mulder and that she believed
what she had done was her responsibility for both their
sakes. She seemed to believe that Mulder really felt the
same way for her and that given enough time, he would
have admitted it too.
Scully closed her eyes and sighed once deeply. Jane's
deranged expression was creeping into her memory again.
She told herself that it was over, that there was no reason to
even think of it anymore and the picture left her head, yet
her body was shivering.
Where the hell was Mulder? She couldn't imagine he would
stay at her mother's this long.
Holding her breath, she ventured on to the police photos.
Shots of every corner of the apartment were in the file. She
cringed when she saw the picture of Jane's closet, filled
with numerous items Scully recognized as belonging to
Mulder. She sighed and shivered again. Poor Mulder. If
only she'd said something sooner. If only she had
demanded that he cease this association with Jane...
Scully flipped to the next photo and felt her entire body go
numb. It was of the room, the room where she had lived,
dying for what seemed like months. She wasn't in the
picture, but Scully put herself there, attached to the bed,
sweating, bleeding, crying, in the most excruciating pain
she'd ever experienced. Helpless. Wondering if she would
die there, whether she was going to be consumed alive by
ten thousand creeping insects, eating away any evidence of
her ever having been there.
Something tickled the back of her neck and she jumped,
frantically brushing her left hand over it and her back. Then
she tucked the picture behind back into the envelope and
willed herself to forget. She prayed Mulder would just walk
through her door right that moment so that she could go to
sleep, forget about all of this.
Then she heard footsteps outside her door distant and
gradually increasing as they neared her room, then stopping
abruptly in front of the door. Quickly, Scully stuffed the
papers back into the manila envelope and shoved it
underneath her pillows.
But Mulder never entered. "Mulder?" She called
tentatively. "Mulder, come on in. Please? Mulder?"
Still nothing. Yet she was certain someone was outside.
"Who's out there? Hello?"
Still no answer. She briefly considered ringing a nurse, but
couldn't bring herself to do so for such a absurd reason.
She already feared she was one incident away from being
transferred to the psyche ward. No need to get people
thinking she couldn't handle herself again.
"Mulder? Are you out there? Please, answer me." She
was breathing heavily now. It was so quiet in the hospital,
like she was the only one left, at least in this part of the
hospital. She turned off the light.
It moved. It seemed like a shadow moved in front of the
door. A thought then occurred to her. What if Jane had
been released? If the right lawyer convinced the right judge,
she could be out of confinement until her trial. She could
have been released just tonight, before Mulder would have
had the chance to tell her, before the agent who'd sent the
envelope even knew.
She turned on the television, desperately searching for
news
concerning this crime. She flipped frantically through the
stations only to find discussion panel shows and
newsmagazines.
Jane was teasing her, Scully was certain now. Seeing how
long it would take her before she wouldn't be able to stand
it any longer and call for a nurse. Jane knew Mulder and
her family were no where near the hospital and she was
seizing her opportunity. Scully was not going to call for a
nurse. There was no way she was going to let that woman
drive her to paranoia.
So she waited, with the lights out and the television muted,
listening intently. This is how it happened that night, Scully
remembered. Knowing that something wasn't quite right,
yet lying there, not moving, not taking action and seized
before she could even think.
What if Jane had already gotten to Mulder? On his way
back to the hospital to be with her, running him off the road.
Damning him for screwing up her plans, telling him as she
pointed the gun at his temple that Scully was next then shot
through the forehead with Scully's own gun, only to be
dumped in a hole in the ground and discovered months
later.
Scully realized tears were streaming down her face now.
No! We can handle this! You are a trained federal officer,
you can outmaneuver her, overcome her. Scully swung her
legs over the side of the bed, to walk for only the second
time since she'd been admitted. She was certain she could
run if she needed to, that she could get away. She stood up
too quickly, though, and leaned back into the bed again.
Her legs were shaking like a puppy's. Two calming breaths
and she attempted to move forward.
Her every pore felt as though they trembled as she moved
toward the door with painstaking slowness. Was that Jane
she heard laughing outside the door? She told herself she
didn't care, even though her stomach rumbled and her legs
became all the more rubbery. Just get to the door and see if
she's there. Just get to the door and then you'll know.
When she reached the door, Scully leaned into the wall and
caught her breath. It was quiet outside, but this made her
all the more certain Jane was outside. Using the wall to
support herself, she opened the door and promptly dropped
to the floor, exhausted and sweating profusely.
"Oh my God!" Scully heard a woman say as she lay on the
floor, attempting to catch her breath.
The nurse helped her up and encouraged her to lean into
stocky frame so she could bring Scully back to her bed.
"Don't tell..." Scully breathed out. "Don't tell the doctor.
You won't tell, will you? Please. I'm not crazy, I'm not."
"I know, Dana," the woman said to her. "But Dana, you
really need to release yourself from this fear. It will
consume you."
The nurse's voice was vaguely familiar in the serenity it
evoked in Scully. She trusted the voice and so promised
her
that she would seek help now. She knew it was far past
time. She would tell someone.
xxxxxx
Mulder sat on the edge of the lazy boy recliner in Mrs.
Scully's living room, trying his damnedest to understand
and accept what Rena was trying to explain to him. She
and Charlie were on the couch and Bill was pacing in the
background. Mrs. Scully was still cleaning up from dinner
with Pele's grudging assistance.
"Now, Dana is stuck in a mode where she's repeating the
traumatic events and images over and over in her mind.
Chances are her dreams aren't resolving themselves and
she
isn't being allowed to experience rem sleep. I'm sure I
don't need to explain to you the importance of that."
Mulder nodded. This much he knew. Basic psychology.
"What this method does is actually re-create that eye
movement while the patient is awake. Dana and I would
together decide on a image that bears particular meaning to
the experience for her and then she would need to focus on
that scene, that image; replaying it over and over in her
mind."
Mulder was beginning to become very uneasy about this
whole thing. He remembered the mirror, the food he'd
brought her and what severe panic those things had brought
on for her. And now Rena was suggesting that she think
about those things again? If she was saying that, he wasn't
sure he could bear to watch it.
"Then what I do is move my finger in front of her eyes, say
12 to 24 times. It takes, I'd say, about 30 to 60 seconds,
maybe? Then when that set is done, I ask her to take a
deep breath and clear her mind totally of any thoughts.
Then we would talk about how that 'scene' made her feel,
what emotions it evoked, and if it brought to light any new
fears or feelings."
She stopped and waited for his reaction. When he said
nothing, she went on. "We would then move on to another
scene and repeat the process. How long it lasts would
depend upon how long she wants to talk about each scene."
Mulder knitted his brow and said impatiently, "How is that
any different than just getting her to talk about what's
bothering her?"
"Well, the theory is that the act of moving my finger in front
of her eyes like I said, recreates the rapid eye movement of
sleep and it somehow releases the horrible memory that
keeps repeating itself."
All in all, it seemed pretty kooky to Mulder. It seemed like
something Scully would laugh at, something that would
never work on her because she would never believe that it
could. But, he noticed, Rena seemed to be getting more
and more excited as she explained it to him. She seemed
more to be convincing herself that it would help Scully. He
was starting to regret getting her talking about it in the first
place.
"Um, thanks for explaining it Rena but, I really don't think
this kind of thing would be appropriate for Scully."
Charlie raised his eyebrows and gave Mulder a not so
congenial look. "What do you mean not appropriate? I saw
my son go from one day away from a mental institution to a
normal three-year-old in almost ten days. What makes you
think it's not right for my sister?"
"I just mean that I don't really think it would work in her
case."
Rena took a deep breath, "I'll admit that this is a bit
unconventional sounding, but she needs to work through
this somehow or she'll never rest, never heal."
"Work through what?" Bill asked as he poured himself a
drink. "All she's gotta do is start eating and get out of that
hospital. She doesn't need therapy or whatever it is that
you do Rena, she just needs to get her head on straight,
she needs someone to just go in there and tell her look,
you eat or you die. It's as simple as that."
"Bill, it's not as simple as that..." Rena started.
Mulder interrupted her, "You eat or you die? What the hell
kind of help is that?" He couldn't believe that her own
brother could be so thoughtless and cruel.
"Better help than what this..." Charlie stopped Bill with a
single look. "Better help than she's offering."
"At least she's trying to help. It's more than you're doing
Bill," Charlie growled.
"That crap is not gonna help her..." Bill muttered into his
glass.
Mulder was starting to feel pretty disgusted by the whole
lot of them. She didn't need their help, Rena's "magic" or
Bill's bullying.
"Look, the thing is, I know Scully, and I am a
psychologist, and I know enough to know that if the patient
doesn't believe in the therapy, the therapy won't work..."
"Psychologist?" Bill snorted, "You're not a psychologist.
Fucking Leonard Nimoy over there...."
"Hey!" They all turned to face Pele in the doorway. Mrs.
Scully was standing behind her. "Mulder is so a
psychologist! He's a parapsychologist!"
Mulder shook his head. "Actually I'm not really, I..."
"And besides that he's right, mom's stupid stuff isn't
gonna work on aunt Dana. It may have worked on Charlie,
but Charlie was three! Aunt Dana's an adult. She needs
adult therapy. Like..." she looked pointedly at Mulder and
lowered her eyes, "Like the kind Mulder could give her."
"Pele!" Mrs. Scully scolded.
"Jesus Christ, Charlie, what kind of girl are you raising
here?" Bill chided. At this Charlie stood and looked just
about ready to get physical with his brother.
"Oh gawd, that's not what I meant people, calm down,
okay? I just mean that he IS a psychologist, maybe he
can help her in a *normal* way." She delivered the last
part to her mother with exaggerated cadence.
"Pele, go upstairs." Charlie ordered, his eyes never
leaving Bill.
"Dad, I have a right to be here! I'm part of this family! I'm
practically an adult!"
"Go upstairs now, dammit!"
Pele seemed to notice the way her father's fists were
clenching and unclenching, the reddish color his face was
turning, and the large vein throbbing in his forehead
because
she turned and ran towards the stairs.
"You better fucking apologize for that you self-righteous
son of a..."
"Charlie, please!" Mrs. Scully ran frantically to Charlie's
side and pulled at his shoulder. "Please just drop it. Both of
you."
Mulder stood, preparing himself to leave. There were
things going on here that had nothing to do with him,
things that were none of his business and he needed to
get back to Scully.
Charlie turned to him, "Mulder wait, don't leave yet. I really
think you should give this some thought. I think it could
really help Dana."
"He should give it some thought?" Bill asked sarcastically.
"Who the hell is he to make this decision? He's not family,
this has nothing to do with him."
"Wait a minute Bill," Mrs. Scully interjected and for a
minute Mulder thought she might actually be defending
him. "I don't think we should discount Rena's idea so
quickly. I saw it work for little Charlie and I think maybe we
should give it some thought..."
"Excuse me!" Rena was on her feet now and looking
suddenly extremely angry. "Have any of you considered
the fact that this needs to be Dana's decision? I think we
should ask her what she wants to do."
The room fell immediately silent. Everyone regarded one
another simultaneously and mutely agreed that Rena was
right.
"She's absolutely right," Margaret finally spoke. "We need
to do everything in our power to help Dana get through this."
She held her hand out to stop Bill from speaking.
"This is Dana's decision. And we cannot be there for her if
we're at one another's throats. Frankly, William and
Charles, your father would be extremely ashamed of the two
of you, the way you've been acting toward one another."
She paused. "Put it aside, please, and help your sister."
She stood for a while and watched her sons, seeming to be
waiting for an apology to be exchanged. Finally she closed
her eyes, sighed, and shook her head. "I'm going to try to
sleep and I suggest the rest of you do the same. I will see
you all in the morning." She passed Mulder and said,
"Fox."
He nodded and thanked her for dinner. For a moment, he
was uncertain as to how to make his exit. Now with the
excitement past, he was beginning to feel uneasy about
being away from Scully. Very uneasy. Almost as though he
could hear her calling for him. Or feel it. Or something
He turned to leave quietly and Rena ran to show him out.
"I think it would work, Mulder," she told him as she opened
the front door. "She needs you there, though. I think half
of her problem is not being able to show you her
vulnerability. She needs to know you don't think she's
weak, that you believe she is in control of herself."
"I *do* believe that," he insisted.
She nodded. "Goodnight, Mulder. I will see you
tomorrow. Please try to rest."
She shut the door and he was alone again. Except not
really alone. She was there with him. He couldn't shake it,
this feeling that seemed to belong to him and not to him at the
same time. Could it really be, or was it just a combination
of high stress and lack of sleep?
Yet it was out there, in the atmosphere. She was begging
him to come back. He sped back to the hospital.
end part 5